Raising Children in the Gospel

As we are trying to center our lives in the Gospel, we've had to think through parenting in light of the gospel. In the process, I found a 12-step program to raising a Pharisee (coming from a seminar given by Rev. Carey Hardy), which is kind of a backwards way of thinking about Gospel-centered parenting. If you follow these practices, you will increase the probability of raising a Pharisee, rather than a child who understands the grace of the gospel. Here they are :

1. Majoring on external instead of internal issues.

This is majoring on controlling a child's behavior without using Scripture and prayer to deal with his or her heart. This will produce a Pharisee--everything looks good on the outside, but inwardly he is corrupt (Matthew 23:23-24, 27-28). Don't settle for superficial repentance by your child.

2. Excessive control

This is not balancing discipline with instruction. If you try to control and micromanage everything a child thinks and does, you build accountability only to yourself instead of God. Instead, you want to create a God-consciousness. Don't seek to be the ultimate authority. You must teach them how to think for themselves--how to evaluate. Otherwise, they grow up only knowing how to live by a set of rules and do's and don'ts.

3. Overreacting to failure

This includes not allowing the freedom to fail. It's treating failure as the end of the world. you must see failure as an opportunity for instruction. But many parents live in fear of failure--and thus they become excessive controllers. This may be manifested in calling attention to every mistake. It's a performance-based love that expects perfection.

4. Being unforgiving and impatient.

Instead of a home that is filled with joy, there is an oppressive, negative atmosphere. Sinful choices by your children definitely need to be dealt with. But make sure there is a visible end to the consequences, with the home thus returning to a pleasant atmosphere of peace and tranquility. When you are not getting over their failure, you are teaching how to be unforgiving.

5. Elevating preference over biblical principle.

Some parents are prone to emphasize rules that really don't reflect the Bible at all. Instead, the rules reflect personal preferences. There is nothing inherently wrong with maintaining some rules that flow out of personal preferences. But care must be taken to avoid equating them with biblical commands, or again, allowing them to become excessive. That is what the Pharisees did. If you are enforcing too many of your preferences, or neglecting to teach biblical principles as the child matures, then preferential rule may be perceived as being the same as biblical commands and principles...and they grow up with this pharisaical mindset.

6. Unnecessary separatism

As your children grow, they must be involved with other children; this is a testing ground and provides opportunities for training. There is a balance here -- you have to be discerning about the company your child gets involved with. But some parents go to such an extreme that they won't allow their children to be involved with other children--even Christian children. Children need to be around other kids -- lost kids, spiritual kids, mediocre kids. Separating them will teach them to have a mentality of superiority that is not in line with the gospel. It also keeps them from learning to love others who are not like them.

7. Judging others...other families

This is being judgmental about other families, about things going on in the church; being critical of everything, constantly fault-finding, producing constant criticism. When you do this in front of children, you're developing that judgmental spirit in them.

8. Being "belligerent" -- a fighter

As the child watches you take on every wrong thing in the church, every example of wrong thinking in others, they learn the lifestyle of a fighter. Thus, they end up learning what to fight against and not necessarily what to fight for.

9. Favoritism

Favoritism teaches a child to want to be only with people who are like you and who meet your standards. This leads to the separatism mentioned earlier.

10. No humor

You need to know how to not take yourself so seriously and how to not take things in this world so seriously at times.

11. Building up their self-esteem

A "high self-esteem" is not a biblical concept. Nor is the need to learn to love yourself. Emphasis on self-esteem encourages individuals to become like Pharisees; they are encouraged to delve into self, to be focused on self, to build up self.

12. Lack of genuine spirituality

Living hypocritically teaches hypocrisy. You won't be perfect as a parent, but there must be a level of integrity visible to your children. Hypocrisy can be manifested in a parent who never admits his or her wrong. This gives children a wrong impression of spirituality, and that's a cheap substitute for true spirituality.

Versus or For?

A couple of weeks ago on a Monday, I went to UIC to lead some students in prayer for the new school year. And it was an incredibly encouraging time for me. Something was different. Very different.

As I prayed and thought about it, I realized that the change was this :

In the past, my attitude towards the campus was more US VERSUS THEM. Jerram Barrs, in his book The Heart of Evangelism, writes this :

An "us versus them" mentality can produce fear of the world, a condemning, even hateful attitude toward "sinners", a desire to retreat into the safe haven of our Christian institutions, and an insistence on personal separation from "sinners". If we do not know non-Christians in any personal depth, it is evident that the only evangelism that can take place is technique-based raids from behind the wall of the church into the "enemy-occupied territory" of the world.

That accurately described my past attitude when I would come to campus on Wednesdays. Honestly, I wouldn't really notice people unless they were part of the Servants. And so the thousands of people -- souls -- on campus who were not part of my "tribe" were just scenery. Not only that, but because I didn't come to campus too often, I always felt like an outsider there, like I didn't belong. I never felt comfortable.

However, by the grace of God, His Gospel has been doing a mighty work in my heart. My attitude towards the campus has changed from US VERSUS THEM to US FOR THEM. I have been blessed by God to become a blessing FOR others. How could I have missed this in the past? Jesus Himself said, "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost." He came FOR sinners. And so coming to campus recently has been so different. I notice people. I engage people...talk to them. Not just those who are part of our ministry. And it is a joy. Before, if anything, it was a duty. But now, as I understand more of God's heart, it is a joy.

I realize I've been missing out on the heart of God. Why? I think it's because I'd been getting wrapped up in Christianity rather than Christ.

All the more reason to become Gospel-centered.

Gospel-Centered

As Immanuel seeks to be a Gospel-centered church, here are some of the implications of that :

1. That we would read the whole Bible as the Gospel (a la Luke 24)
2. That we would preach and teach the Gospel to believers, not just unbelievers
3. That we would preach and teach the Gospel in every sermon and every lesson
4. That we would see the gospel as both the "milk" and the "meat" of God's word
5. That we would study theology and doctrine to better understand the Gospel, because all theology is Gospel theology
6. That we would view the world, the church, and ourselves through the lens of the Gospel
7. That we would believe the Gospel can change anyone, including ourselves
8. That we would seek to solve all problems (personal, church, social) with the Gospel
9. That we would love others through the Gospel
10. That we would display the beauty of the Gospel by helping others in need through acts of mercy and generosity

As a church, we are learning how the Gospel is not just the entrance into the Christian life, but that it is the key to everything. Though this is a new way of seeing things for many in the church, my prayer is that the Lord would grant us the diligence to really pursue a deeper understanding and experience of the Gospel. Some have said, "It's a lot to think about...", or "It takes too much work...", or "I'm too lazy..." But that's when we have to remember Jesus' call to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Lord, help us!

Justice and Mercy

This past Sunday, I preached on being Gospel-Centered in the community. The focus was on the place of ministries of justice and mercy at Immanuel. I didn't give very many practical examples or suggestions, but spoke more on the principles behind such ministry.

When you try to think about doing justice as an individual you can be quite overwhelmed with all the needs. Should you tackle slavery in the Sudan, child soldiers in Uganda, AIDS and fresh water wells in parts of Africa, child laborers in Asia, child prostitution in South America, hunger in North Korea or unwed mothers, drug addicts, fatherless children, failing public schools and elder abuse in the Chicago area alone? Before you get overwhelmed, stop and look where you are at right now. Where can you do justice and love mercy in your current situation? If you are a professional you could offer your services to those who really need it but can't afford to pay for it (Lawyers and Doctors are great, but so are Accountants and Mechanics). For those of you in High School and under, at lunch time you can go and sit with the 'loser kid' who is all alone. Parents, maybe you could have your son's friend from a broken home come and live with you. Perhaps you could show mercy by functioning as a foster parent or even adopting a child who is in need. You could mow your elderly neighbor's yard or pay for someone to mow it. Perhaps go get their groceries when you get yours. If you are a student maybe you could baby sit for those who can't afford it or help a parent care for their sick child. Some of you may even have the ability to help others find a place to live, help them buy a home and even find them some furniture to get settled. Jesus has shown grace to us in our destitute state so we must now show grace to those who need our help. Anybody can do something!

We can't do everything, but we can all do something!